The Sit Down Comedian - Humor and joy online every weekday

Aliens

2011-04-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

If I were an alien I would think twice about attacking the earth. We've had 150 years of training and have come up with several creative ways to take those guys out. Whether it's coughing on them and giving them the cold virus, or flying a kamikaze ship into the heart of their ship, or using gear at area 51 that we suddenly figure out how to use, or blow up their heads with our music, we've got the strategies down.

Just a thought.

Learn Japanese (somewhat) in one day!

2011-04-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

In case you were wondering, here is the birthday song in Japanese (according to Wiki Answers.)

Otanjyoubi omedoto
otanjyoubi omedeto
otanjyoubi omedeto (name) san
tanjyoubi omedeto!
Otanjyoubi omedoto
otanjyoubi omedeto
otanjyoubi omedeto (name) san
tanjyoubi omedeto!

Tada shikō (Just a thought)

You're not the boss of me!

2011-04-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

I’m sure everyone has heard and that saying is “You’re not the boss of me.” Now the problem with this is you’ve got to be careful who you say it to. Let’s put this saying into two scenarios.

YOUR "FRIEND"- Finish this project for me.
YOU- You’re not the boss of me!

Now that fits just fine, but let’s try a different rout.

BOSS at WORK- Finish this project for me.
YOU- You’re not the boss of me!
Boss at WORK- You’re Fired!

Oh now that didn’t go so well. One more word of advice, “Don’t ever try that on your parents.”

Just a thought.

Slaying Cinderella

2011-04-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of retiring cliches here's one that's getting old, especially with March Madness in full swing:

Calling teams that unexpectedly win "Cinderellas". I see the connection of coming out of nowhere and becoming the sweetheart of the ball, but in the end Cinderella actually marries the prince. Cinderella teams usually don't win the whole ball of wax, so it would be like Cinderella flirting with the prince but ending up with the carriage driver (who's a dog, she wouldn't want him.)

If we're going to be accurate (brutal, but accurate) these overachieving teams are more like the pea in "Princess and the Pea." No one seems to notice them at first, and they eliminate pretenders, but once a true royalty tries them out they get beat up. The pea is then put in a museum for everyone to admire, and the royalty goes off and lives happily ever after with their trophy.

Plus, the peas of the tournament keep those who gamble with their brackets up at night.

So come on everyone, let's go out and cheer on those peas!

Just a thought.

I Know How You Feel

2011-03-29T06:38:00.000-07:00

I'd like to second a genius commentary made recently on one of my favorite blogs.

"I know exactly how you feel." We've all heard it.

I broke my leg...I know how you feel, I broke my arm once.

My life is over! I just broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years... I know how you feel.

My great grandmother called me an idiot...I know how you feel.

Of course the "I know how you feel is always accompanied by a lengthy, (yet usually unrelated) story.

But don't be discouraged. You can make a game of this. After each of their "I know how you feel" stories you can try to top them. Soon you're throwing compound fractures and bad cheese and aliens in the mix until you get to the point where they DON'T know you feel. Then when they get scared and start to move away you can say "Did my unrelated story bore and confuse you? I know how you feel."

And that's why I have no friends on Twitter.

Just a thought.

If it makes you feel better...

2011-03-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

When you stop to think about it, "If it makes you feel better" is a cliche phrase that rarely makes you feel better.

"I have a cold."
"If it makes you feel better, I have pneumonia."

"I have a lot of homework."
"If it makes you feel better, I haven't been to bed in three days."

Read more »

Profoundness

2011-03-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times." is a cliche that could never be true.
"If I've told you a thousand times I've at least told you once." is a non-cliche that is always true.

Just a thought.

Movie Review

2011-03-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am an avid movie watcher. True, with my family I don't get out to the theater often, but if you want year-outdated reviews, THIS is the place to be. I watched one recently that I didn't particularly enjoy. If you can guess which one, you get a big fat "LIKE" on your Facebook page.

Freshman Year-
Here are the 81 characters you are supposed to keep track of. We mention all of their names exactly one time. Good luck!

Sophomore Year-
Okay, so we realized we asked a lot of you in the Freshman year, so we made all of the characters couple up. (And it wasn't until sophomore year that I realized this was not a movie about a college, but a high school.)

Junior Year-
Most of the characters are jerks this year. Lots of break ups from the Sophomore year. That piano playing singing girl is breaking out of her shell finally!!! Er, what's her name again.

Senior Year-
Oh, the entire casts wasn't made up of jerks after all. The most likable characters aren't going to go anywhere with their 4 years of training, but the semi-likable ones might get a shot.

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Just a thought.

1999

2011-03-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

When I was a young teen I was naive enough to think that the current styles would last forever. I had a teacher correct me, saying that in 10-15 years I'd look back and say "What was the world thinking?"

To put that statement to the test, here's a look back at 1999:

The big movies were Star Wars Episode One, The Matrix, Tarzan, Toy Story 2, and The Blair Witch Project
The big trends were Pokemon, the second Harry Potter Book, and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
Music saw some big hits by Eminem, Kid Rock, Brittney Spears, and Ricky Martin.
Guys were bleaching their hair and wearing pants like this:

Girls were going for the straight layered, hair look, just like Jennifer Aniston had.

So, what do you think? Have these revelations made you think "What were we thinking?"

Animal Superstitions

2011-03-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in ancient times they used to use animals as ways to describe the world? For example, if a rock was majestic and noble it would be called a bear, or if a cricket destroyed a crop they would be called a plague of ravenous wolves.

Can you imagine how confusing that would be?

Wait, I gotta go. It's raining cats and dogs out here.

Just a thought.

Restaurant selection

2011-03-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

Choosing a restaurant seems to be a lose-lose situation. Most of the time, everyone in the group wants someone else to choose.

"Where do you want to eat?"
"I don't know, you choose."
"What do you feel like?"
"Anything."
"How about Olive Garden?"
"I don't feel like Italian?"

Then you get to the point where you are making suggestions and mumbling like you're doing something wrong.

Read more »

Driver Licenses

2011-03-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I renewed my license, let me say that it’s one of the least pleasurable experiences that we all have to go through every five years or so. And I think it’s funny that we all do it the exact same way.

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You wake up at 4:00 A.M. (so you could be the first one at the DMV) and take a shower, comb your hair, and pick out all of the sleepers in your eyes. You make it to the DMV at 5:00 and wait in a line that already has about twelve people there, and then you realize that the DMV opens at 8:00.

Read more »

Double EVERYTHING!

2011-03-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Double MEAT!

Double CHEESE!!

Double BIPASS SURGERY!!!

Just a thought.

Advanced Technology

2011-03-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

It seems like new technology is coming out every few years and replacing the previous stuff. It feels like computers, cars, tvs, and video game systems are all outdated just days after buying them. This is why I appreciate one little invention that has likely reached its peak of innovation.

The Kleenex tissue.

There will never be computerized tissues or tissues 2.0. There will never be a tissue with better nose-wiping functionality. There will never be the reusable tissue (hopefully).

So thank you tissue, for being the pinnacle of your technology.

Just a thought.

Milk's Favorite Cookie?

2011-03-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

I had a thought yesterday. How can Oreo claim it's milk's favorite cookie? I've never seen any clip of an interview with milk. I even asked milk when I ate my breakfast this morning, and milk never answered. Milk is kind of rude like that, but I digress. Anyway even if Oreo is milk's favorite cookie how do we know that milk even likes cookies?? I mean I have a favorite basketball team, but the truth is I hate basketball. So being my favorite basketball team doesn't really say all that much as far as I'm concerned.

What if milk only tolerates cookies? I mean maybe milk likes brownies more, or chocolate cake. Maybe milk likes chocolate or strawberry syrup the best. Maybe milk hates cookies. Maybe that is going too far, but Oreo shouldn't be allowed to claim milk likes it the best. I mean home-made cookies are pretty tough to beat, and so are brownies. Don't get me wrong I love Oreos and I love dipping them in milk, but if I were milk I wouldn't like crummy stuff floating in me because someone wanted to soak their store-bought cookie in me.

Just a thought.

Before & After

2011-03-07T06:43:00.000-08:00

I went to the dentist sometime ago to get my yearly teeth cleaning
experience. When I walked into the waiting room, I noticed that
they had a wall dedicated to their accomplishments on fixing the
most morbid mouths ever.
I was pretty impressed with their before and afters. Not the teeth
though, but the change in people faces, I couldn’t even believe that
they were the same person! Not only did the dentist make people’s
yellow teeth white, but they also made their acne, bloodshot eyes,
and double chins vanish!

Read more »

Twitter, from a guy's point of view.

2011-03-04T06:22:00.000-08:00

I know that I've mocked Twitter from time to time, but when you think about it, it is the ideal way for a guy to communicate. It's limited to 140 characters, which as most guys know is what the limit should be to get any information across anyway. If you get bored with the conversation you can block whoever is irritating you. You can cycle through all the mumbo jumbo and only list speakers that say stuff that is interesting to you.

Men should have thought of this years ago.

Just a thought.

No Pun Intended

2011-03-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

We let people who say "no pun intended" off the hook too easy. Because 99.99% of the time the pun really is intended. No one ever calls them on it though. No one would react this way if we did this with other forms of speech.

"I'm going to hit you in the face!!! No threat intended."
Read more »

I Was Born That Way

2011-03-02T06:34:00.000-08:00

“I was born that way” is a saying that people use and almost always is never true. Just the other day I asked a basketball player, “DJ Roza how did you become so great at basketball?” And he replied, “I was born that way.” Now how could that be true on any level? So what, he was birthed, grabbed a basketball, and made a 3 pointer? The only way to use this saying correctly is to say that we were all born bald and beautiful!

Just a thought.

Undo!

2011-03-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

As a follow up to last night's post I will admit one computer function has ruined me...Ctrl Z (or undo). I heavily rely on this keyboard shortcut when working on files. I kind of wish real life had Ctrl Z. Like when I'm drawing stuff by hand. Or eating that last plate of food at the buffet. Or when having a fight with my wife.

Just a ponder [ctrl Z] thought.

X

2011-02-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Poor makers of kids' alphabet toys. They always have a tough time figuring out what word to use with the letter X. My sons alphabet food list names Xtra Cheese Pizza as the x word. Why do we put e in front of x at the beginning of the word anyway?

I'm going to boycott "ex". Why put a xtra letter when it's not necessary. It's time to xit this xtrordinarily old tradition. If I have to be the xample, then so be it. I'm even xcited to do so to be xact.

(One xception is the tyrannasaurus rex. Otheriwise it looks like tyrannasaurus prescription)

Just a thought.

None of the above

2011-02-25T06:36:00.000-08:00

So my wife was talking to her friend yesterday who was filling out a job application. This was one of the questions:

Are you willing to work:
__ Fulltime
__ Parttime
__ On Call
__ None of the above

Now I'm not an expert at applying for jobs, but if you mark "None of the above" it will probably hurt your chances. What a smart way for an employer to weed out all of the applicants who don't want the job!

Just a thought.

txt ing

2011-02-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

411 - I take 4ever on writing txt messages. Part of the reason is that I try 2 write them with good grammar and spelling. 2 get used to txt writing I'll start writing my post in txt message form. NBD right? It'll be gr8. LOL. K, I luv 3 writing these blogs. Its fun. :) U R prbly thinking AYS (are you serious)? But cmon, I can do it rt?

Okay, I don't know how you people (I mean ppl) do it. This post is taking forever.

Just a thought from your BFF.

The computer has ruined students!

2011-02-23T06:35:00.000-08:00

Several times in the past week I've heard expressions like:

"You kids (even though I'm 25) can't spell anymore, cause of the computer"
and
"You can't even do simple math because of the computer."

But instead of getting angry at this I've realized that every generation has had to deal with this harassment from the previous one. I've traced some examples in history to demonstrate.

Read more »

The News Really Does Care

2011-02-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

I was flipping channels on my T.V. last night, and I came across at
the 10:00 news station. Since the year is more than half way over,
I decided I should watch the news at least once before March.

I found the first news story to be very interesting. It talked about
how scientists have proven that people who go to bed at ten are
healthier than people who go to bed at midnight.
Read more »

Slept Like a Baby

2011-02-21T06:01:00.000-08:00

So I became a father about 8 months ago. It destroyed a common expression for me. "I slept like a baby."

So what, you woke up every two hours screaming because you were extremely hungry and you wet your pants? You woke up and stayed awake crying for 3 hours in the middle of the night because somebody sneezed? You couldn't go back to sleep unless you were being rocked and sang Disney songs? That is not my idea of a good night's sleep at all.

The expression should be, "I slept like someone who doesn't have a baby."

Just a thoug..ZZZZZ

Back with a vengeance!

2011-02-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

Well, maybe not so much with a vengeance, cause I don't really have anyone to get revenge on...Except that one kid across the street.

More accurately, we're back with a renewed determination to bring you a daily laugh. That's right WE! There are a couple of awesome writers on the team now, meaning more than just me! So even if you didn't like it before, you will now. And if you did like it before, don't worry I'll still be around.

It's gonna be awesome!

By the way, if you didn't notice we put together a makeover and name change to celebrate!

Just a thought.

1,000 Visitors

2011-02-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

Hello loyal Sit Down Comedian fan base!

This little blog created in the attic of my grandmother's grandson's house has just had it's 1,000th unique visitor! What a landmark day! Thank you for visiting and staying with us over this time period. Especially in that lull of six months where there were no updates. We also have 14 followers which is fantastic. If I had all of your private home addresses I'd definitely come, say hi, and give you a personal hug. (And those of you who I do know the addresses to, watch out, the hug is coming.)

We hope you've enjoyed our posts so far and would love to hear any feedback or comment postings, and look forward to bringing you the non-cliche-ism's you'd come to expect far into the future.

But we also need your help. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pick from our posts your favorite one and send/post/share a link to it on your Facebook, Twitter, e-mails, text messages, or whatever other form of technology you kids are into these days.

In return, we will bring you amazing content that you can access to brighten your day at work, school, at home, or abroad.

If you don't want to help, that's okay. We can still be friends. :(

Thank you. Sincerely, thank you.

Just a thought.

Ignite Salt Lake

2011-02-03T18:40:00.000-08:00

One of our contributors Kirk Edwards performs for five minutes at Ignite Salt Lake. 20 slides, fifteen seconds each. It was rapid fire.

Just a thought.

More advice for glasses wearers

2011-02-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

One of our loyal readers has pointed out some more good advice to our recent post for glasses wearers. If for some reason you do lose your glasses, please avoid petting animals. You may think it is a kitten or a puppy, but in reality it will always be a bear, a rat, or a skunk. And at all costs, please do NOT kiss said animal under any circumstances. In all cases, you will be kissing it's butt.

It's a good thing we have movies to teach us these valuable lessons and Anything But Cliche.

Just a thought.

Internet Items That Test Your Manliness

2011-02-01T08:13:00.000-08:00

Us guys know, we always have to prove our manliness to other guys. We had this down pat a few years ago, as we knew the proper behavior to display manliness in certain settings. Was it okay to hug another guy? Only if your team scored a last second point. Could you name any shade of white other than white? Definitely not. But the internet has made us have to re-evaluate our performance, and question whether our behavior appears "manly".

Admit it guys, the first time you ever typed :) did you wonder?

Do tough guys poke on Facebook?

What if we find ourselves enjoying Farmville more than Mafia Wars?

How do we restore lost credibility when a photo of us in a tutu shows up on someone's blog?

Has the Hollywood gossip on the MSN homepage ever caught your eye?

At least there is one thing we can all agree on. Google Maps is not the same as asking for directions!

Just a thought.

Cute as a Button

2011-01-31T14:57:00.000-08:00

My wife and I have been looking at puppies lately and some of them are as cute as a button.

Except that I'm not quite sure what that means. In my experience, buttons aren't all that attractive. Well, I'm sure that whoever came up with the saying probably did so after seeing a button that looked something like this:Just a thought.

Does Anyone Understand Fallout Boy?

2011-01-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

I hope I am not alone on this. Does anyone understand what Fallout Boy is saying? He could be talking about anything with his catchy tunes and not fully opening his mouth to sing.

After trying to pick out the lyrics on my own in vain, a lyrics search on Google finally deciphered the jumbled songs, and I realized that many of these songs I would not have been allowed to listen to as a kid.

But not all hope is lost, moms. If you're kids are like me and, I suspect, so many others, they can't understand what's being said anyway, so you can just give them these replacement lyrics instead. That's right, now you're children will be able to enjoy Fallout Boy's family friendly hit,

"Sugar, we're going down swinging."
We're going downtown, to admire the clowns,
and sugar we're going down sing-en,
We'll get juice from the guy with the mullet,
He'll make it for us in his Magic Bullet!

Just a thought.

If I got paid a nickle...

2011-01-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard this one? "If I got paid a nickel for every time I heard ______, I'd be a millionaire."

Do you realize that that's a whole lotta nickels? That means you have had to hear that one sentence 50,000 times! If you convert that to time and that sentence takes 6 seconds to utter, then you'd have spent over 83 hours of your life listening to that sentence. After 83 hours, I'd stop listening...or at least charge more than a nickel to hear it.

Just a thought (If I got $35,000 every time I wrote that...)

Hit by a bus

2011-01-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard someone who's sick say "I feel like I've been hit by a bus?" Where did that come from? I'm sure very few people actually know what that feels like. Has anyone asked them what it's like.

One day did someone wake up and have this conversation with someone who had been hit by a bus?

A: I don't feel good.
B: What's wrong.
A: My head hurts, my sinuses are clogged, by joints are stiff, and I have an eye infection.
B: Hmm, reminds me of when I was hit by a bus.

Beware, that bus is out to get you!

I doubt it. I'll try to end this streak of violent posts soon.

Just a thought.

Good Idea, Bad Idea.

2011-01-25T14:03:00.000-08:00

Kudos to the classic children show, Animaniacs. One of the most educational and inspirational shows from my childhood. Watch and learn.

You're only as good as who you ~~steal from~~ shamelessly post a Youtube video of so that you don't need to write a post, right?

Just a thought.

Don't Send

2011-01-24T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hello Windows Users. Have you ever seen this pop-up window?
It is very annoying. If you are like me you hit the don't send button nearly every time. Except now I don't "Don't send." That's right, for the last week I have sent the error report every time. Because here at Anything But Cliche we care.

The process however has left me with more questions than answers. Who is the "us" that creates this report? Does Microsoft have people that read all of these? Will it change the way they make the new Windows? Is it really keeping my information confidential and anonymous? Does this report go straight to the land of Nod? Who knows?

Just a thought.

My earliest memory

2011-01-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

I thought since its almost the weekend that I'd take some time and reflect over my life. I had a great childhood. I have alot of great memories, but I've got to admit, my earliest memory is pretty strange.

I was about two years old and at church with my parents. I was standing on the bench looking at the lady behind me. She was an older women (at least older to my two year old mind.) She had a scowl on her face, like she was bothered that I was there, so I did what any two year old would do. I stuck my tongue out her.

She then leaned forward and GRABBED my tongue and said "You don't stick you're tongue out at people." And then I cried. It was pretty traumatic. I never stuck my tongue out at anyone within arms length again.

Just a thought.

Thought provokers

2011-01-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to call someone "judgmental" without being judgmental?
Can you be proud of your humility?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

The world may never know.

Just some thoughts.

I lost my glasses!

2011-01-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

Since the ninth grade when I realized I couldn't see the chalkboard from my seat in the front row I have been a constant glasses and contact lens wearer. (Not at the same time, but rather one or the other).

As a result I can truly sympathize with those in the movies when the character loses their glasses or contact lens. (Dennis Nedry from Jurassic Park is a particularly sad case.) Having experienced these situations myself let me offer some advice to these characters and their close ones to help them get out of their predicament.

1-) If your glasses fall off, don't squint and stumble around the room with your arms outstretched in front of you. Your glasses are not floating in the air, and you will ALWAYS step on your glasses and crush them.

2-) If you see someone squinting and crawling around the ground, it's a good idea not to walk up to them, lest you will deliver that fateful crunch to their glasses.

3-) For some reason, contact lenses are always easier to find then glasses in the movies. But if for some reason you cannot find it, you can always hire a CSI. They find lost contact lenses at a majority of their crime scenes.

Just a thought.

An Apology

2011-01-19T14:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry. It means so many things. It's used to show remorse for your actions. It's used to show sympathy. It's the subject of a Demetri Martin joke: "Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral." It's also a board game.

Well I want to say sorry for not updating these past few days. I won't make any excuses like how its finals week and I couldn't focus my brain on anything other than studying. I won't go into how work has been hectic, and my child has been sick. No, I won't stoop to those levels. I'll just say, "I'm sorry." (And not in the board game way.)

Just an apologetic thought.

A Humble Beginning

2011-01-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

Greetings all,

My name is Kirk. A college student, a marketer for a company called InteliSum, a husband, a father, and so on.

So far pretty average right? RIGHT! I am average, but I want to learn what it takes to be extraordinary. Sure, I've likely chosen marketing as my profession and I enjoy it, but the world has so much to offer. People have so much to offer.

I want to take in as many good things as I can while in this life, and the Internet is a great way to not only share my observations, but to gather in observations from others as well. Someone DOES care what you have to say.

How about each day we get together and do something fun? There's a lot of good times to be found in everyday mundane life. Some posts will be fun, some will be observant, some will be random.

Whatever it'll be, it'll be Anything But Cliche.
Just a thought